FAQ: How to Get Insanely Rich on the
Internet
by Linda Cox J.A.M.G. (Just Another
Marketing Guru)
Welcome to the Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take
as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely
rich?
A: No. This is the internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners
and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety
Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly
surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own
Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely
suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say
it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since
it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45
per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the
program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with
any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can
switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling
the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people
substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just
jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate
a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site
with zany colors and flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit
in the title.
--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important
search engines.
--Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified
sites.
--Buy software that submits your link to the 100,000 most popular free-for-
all link pages.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I
haven't even driven my hitcounter to its knees yet. What am I doing
wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult
one of your friends who has retired on their internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on
their internet earnings? A: Then contact someone on the internet who
has retired on their internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their
internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.)
was actually a real-world corporate marketer for many years before going
on the net without a net. Now she's Just Another Marketing Guru. More
Linda & Free Ezine.
Linda Cox is involved
with several internet marketing sites including Smart-Traffic.com which
promotes and sells TopDog, the ZDNet Editor's Choice software for search
engine visibility. http://www.Smart-Traffic.com
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